In this guide
Decide whether this is the right conversation
Define the issue and why it matters to the work, relationship or agreed standard. Ask whether you have the authority and enough information to address it. Separate a one-to-one performance conversation from allegations or matters that belong in a formal process.
Consult the relevant workplace policy or HR support when the situation involves harassment, discrimination, safety, health, legal rights or possible disciplinary action. An informal conversation should not be used to bypass a procedure designed to protect the people involved.
Prepare facts, impact and desired outcome
Write down what you directly observed, including relevant dates and agreed expectations. Remove labels such as lazy, negative or careless. Then explain the work impact without exaggeration. Finally, identify what needs to be understood, changed or decided.
Check your contribution to the situation. Was the standard clear? Did priorities conflict? Did you delay feedback? Preparation is not writing a speech that proves you are right. It is creating enough clarity to hold a fair two-way conversation.
Choose an appropriate time and setting
Use a private setting with enough time for a response. Avoid surprising someone in front of colleagues or beginning when either person must immediately leave. Address emerging problems early where appropriate; delay can allow confusion or resentment to grow.
Tell the person the subject in a neutral way so they can prepare. If emotions are high, create a short pause rather than abandoning the issue. Follow workplace requirements about representation, documentation or support.
Open with observation and purpose
State the reason for the conversation, the observed behaviour or result and why it matters. Keep the opening short enough to leave room for the other person. Ask an open question: ‘How do you see it?’ or ‘What was happening from your perspective?’
Listen for facts that change your understanding. Summarise what you heard and check it. Directness and curiosity can exist together; neither requires you to surrender a legitimate standard.
Fictional example
‘I want to discuss the last two stock reports. Both arrived after the agreed deadline, and purchasing used the previous figures. I want to understand what prevented completion and agree how we will protect next week’s report. How do you see the situation?’
Work through disagreement without losing the issue
If the person disagrees, return to specific evidence and ask what information they believe is missing. Distinguish disagreement about facts from disagreement about interpretation or the proposed solution. Avoid collecting unrelated past grievances to strengthen your case.
Pause if the discussion becomes abusive or unsafe. Do not promise confidentiality you cannot maintain. For conflict between colleagues, hear perspectives fairly and use the appropriate process before bringing people together. ACAS and CIPD guidance both emphasise early, fair and constructive handling while recognising when formal action is required.
Agree action, support and follow-up
End with a specific outcome: what will happen, who owns it, what support is available and when you will review progress. Ask the person to explain the agreement in their own words. Record it in the manner required by your organisation.
If no agreement is possible, state the next step calmly and follow policy. A difficult conversation is not successful merely because it felt positive. It succeeds when the issue is clearer and the next responsibility is understood.
Review your conduct after the conversation
Ask whether you used facts, listened, stayed relevant and explained the standard fairly. Note any new information and complete the promised support. Do not gossip about the conversation or seek allies to confirm your view.
At the follow-up, assess the agreed behaviour or result rather than the person’s likability. Recognise improvement specifically. If the problem continues, move to the required process rather than repeating an informal conversation indefinitely.
Before you move on
- I know whether the matter is appropriate for an informal conversation.
- The opening uses observable facts, impact and a clear purpose.
- The setting is private and allows a genuine response.
- I am ready to listen for information that changes my view.
- Serious concerns are escalated through the correct process.
- The conversation ends with action, support and follow-up.
- I review my own conduct and complete what I promised.
Sources and further reading
These official resources informed the guardrails and practical method in this guide.
This preview uses fictional examples where indicated. Read our editorial approach.